Call to Ministry
07/25/14 
Samuel Ahn
Samuel An, 31 year old pastor Ordained Oct. 2011 KPCA
Northern Valley Regional High School- Old Tappan 1999
Yale University 2003
Princeton Theological Seminary, 2007
From Servant to Son
My Journey as a Pastor
When I was in high school, I sat alone in the church parking lot praying after late night jogs. I also would go to church prayer meetings, even the 5:30am meetings our youth group had on Saturdays. After praying, my friend John Kwak and I would go over to Abe’s house, knock on his window until he woke up, and tell our sleepy friend what a great prayer meeting he missed. But whenever there was an altar call in which the speaker asked for people to dedicate their lives to full time ministry, I did not go up.
At that time, I was also involved in Bible Study. I read the Bible on my own and had discussions with friends about predestination that rivaled in unabashed nerdiness other friends showed when discussing Star Trek or Starcraft. I also helped out at VBS, and led bible study for underclassmen through Harvesters, our Christian club. But I did not want to be a lifelong pastor.
I was also on praise team. I was not musically gifted, but I liked stacking chairs and preparing the sanctuary for worship while the team practiced. Then, because I was around, they asked me to do the projector. And eventually, I learned guitar and sang with the band. But even thought I loved the hours we spent together, I would not imagine anything but a volunteer.
I did not want to go into ministry because I did not want to be paid by the church. I was not turned off by the size of the paycheck, but the fear of being a burden on the church.
Money was always tight in my house. I did not like asking for money, because I knew that my parents would feel bad about not being able to give. Even if they gave, I always worried that they might later regret it. I always wanted a lot of money, but never because I wanted to buy nice things. I just figured it would take a lot of money for me to pay back everyone that I had helped me.
This fear of being a burden impacted all my relationships. I hated the thought of being a burden so much that I could not get myself to go up to the counter at McDonalds and ask for ketchup when I wanted it. It kept me from developing really deep friendships because the fear of owing anything to anyone kept me from letting down my guard.
I think I spent so much time at church, not just because I didn’t have to spend money to build an identity there, but also because God is so gracious. At church it didn’t matter as much what I wore or what car my parents drove, or how much money I had. With God, I never had to worry about God rejecting me on the basis of my neediness, because we are all debtors to God’s grace.
But still, as much as I loved God and loved the church, I did not want to enter into ministry because I feared being a burden. Instead, I thought that I could serve as a volunteer or as a pastor in my old age after I had made enough money to retire.
This seemed possible after I received acceptances to almost all the universities I applied to, even my reach ones. I chose Yale, and during the summer before I started, all things seemed possible, I could take care of my parents, earn money for my wife and kids, and still save enough to be dedicated to the church. Since I was undecided about my major, I was open to the possibility that God would call me into a lucrative career.
While in college, a friend name Paul started a prayer meeting every night at midnight, and we started to attend. For me, that hour was time to seek God’s will as I reviewed my day in prayer. And as I prayed, I realized that my desire to be pastor was growing, and one by one God shifted me away from considering other career options. My classes were all interesting, and I was doing well, but I could not say I had a passion for any other work that could rival my passion for being a pastor. I wanted to preach, teach, counsel, pray, organize, and serve so that God’s people could be built up. This was the path of utilizing my gifts and developing my interests most fully.
Although the work of a pastor drew me, I was still hesitant because of the compensation of the pastor. Not only would I not be able to pay back my parents as I wanted to, I would have to live knowing that others would be sacrificing to make sure I had a roof over my head and food on my table. That thought was oppressive.
However, I thought, “If I can be an excellent pastor, I will be able to do ministry with an easy conscience, knowing that I am giving far more than I am receiving. Whatever church I am serving will get more than they are paying for.” Another thought that helped me to make the decision was, “Who do I owe more than I owe God?”
I knew that Princeton Theological Seminary was affordable and a place where I could be prepared both for church and academia, so I applied there. At this point, I knew for sure I wanted to do the work of a pastor, and was relatively certain that I would not be wasting the resources of the seminary. So I was happy to go, and happy to begin youth ministry. I started serving Yes My Lord Community Church in Dumont, NJ a year before starting seminary. I served through my final year of college and for the first semester of seminary. Then, God moved me to Pilgrim Church in Paramus, NJ.
At both churches, I received a monthly stipend. I was grateful for it, but I also thought that I did more than was required to deserve it. I poured all of my free time into church, and I was thoroughly and happily exhausted at the end of each weekend. I was doing what I wanted: getting enough from the church for my needs, and giving enough to the church that I did not feel indebted to the church. I hoped that this would be the pattern for my future full time ministry.
After graduation, I served at Onnuri Church in Korea, with their English Ministry. I spent almost every waking moment doing ministry or hanging out with church people. I got paid a full time salary, had housing, and many benefits. It was exhausting, rewarding, and full of blessing. I did not feel like I was burdening the church, and I was glad to do my best for God.
After my time at Onnuri, I came to Chodae Community Church. Here, for the first time in ministry, I felt like my performance was not worth my salary. I did not know how to feel comfortable as a pastor without pouring every free moment in serving the church, and as I got married and had a child, I felt divided. I did not have time to do everything I wanted to do as a pastor, and I saw many flaws inside of me and my ministry. Of course, I smiled a lot through these years as I usually do, and enjoyed many blessed moments, but I suffered with the idea that I was a disappointment to many.
Currently, I am preparing to leave Choedae Church to be a chaplain at Asia Pacific International School in Seoul Korea. As I reflect during this time of transition, there is one thing that is most obvious to me.
Pastors who define themselves as God’s servants are destined for burnout. They are staking to much of their identity on their abilities, and will be prone to competition. When things go well, I struggle with self-glory, and when thing are tough, I struggle with depression. I even find myself tempted to use the Lord’s name in vain because of my desire to be known as an anointed pastor.
Instead our primarily relationship with God must be sonship. We are adopted; not only that, we are predestined for adoption. There was never a moment when God was considering whether to love us or not. God always loved us, is always loving us, and will always love us. We teach what we learn from our Father, love from what overflows from our Father, and serve as we become like our Father.
The journey from servant to son has been difficult for me, because it has required me to address my biggest fear: being an unwanted burden. I had tried to solve my fear on my own terms by being an “in demand” servant. However, I believe God is calling me to be a pastor who knows he is a son. I believe God was able to do much good through me and in me as I lived like a servant. I look forward to what I will witness as I resolve to trust God as my father.