God Loves Adverbs
11/19/14 
Kane Kim
This past May, I graduated from law school. And I realized I have learned quite a lot. Not really much about the law, but really more about myself. Thus, when Rev. Kim asked me to write about my vision in becoming a lawyer I was not sure what I needed to write. I told him that I was unsure of what I needed to put down.
One issue in writing this was what I could write to get a reader to enjoy it. The career that I am about to enter into is not anything to write about. I wonЎt be daily assisting indigents with tragic legal issues who have nowhere else to turn for help and guidance. Nor will I be sitting in front a judge prosecuting the most depraved criminals and keeping them off the street. Most of my time, I will be the corporate ЎsalarymanЎ sitting in an office in front of a computer all day reviewing legal documents. When I told Rev. Kim that I wonЎt romanticize my career he told me to just write honestly. Yet, this was still a difficult task.
In all seriousness, my next step seems so depressing. This world does not look fondly upon lawyers. Many of my friends believe their lives are now over. Is my life really going to be simply holed up in some office? Will I be perceived by others as another jerk? I hope my life doesnЎt end up being dull and boring, the worst possible thing for others to see, in this omniscient Facebook world. What will be my identity? How do I reconcile a seemingly Ўnon-ChristianЎ career with the life that I am supposed to live?
I decided to look back at law school and see all of the ways God was teaching me during those times. I believe people befriended me because I was supposedly a Ўnice personЎ. Yet, all one needed to do was scratch this patina of perceived religiosity and goodness to reveal a deep core of pride and insecurity. The rigors of school and a poor transcript easily exposed me as someone who was profoundly troubled by the thought of never quite matching up to others. Likewise, my grades reflected deep inadequacy in my heart. IЎll admit the competitiveness of law school was tough.
ЎHeЎs smart, HeЎs rich, He works at the best firm. He went to the top schoolЎ. I will admit these things are very important to me. But I also feel like this shouldnЎt be the case. Am I really going to find meaning in reading endless contracts versus building an orphanage in Africa? I remember a friend sharing something the Puritans used to say that was helpful. They said, ЎGod Love Adverbs.Ў
I always focused on nouns and adjectives. Instead, I should have focused on those more important words that end in Ўly.Ў I know what noun I will be for the next phase in life: I will be a lawyer. This path is clear. I suppose my problem has been and will always be that I have defined myself about who I am and what I have done rather than how I lived my life.
I know this job will carry with it a certain status and security that can easily puff up my pride. I know this job will pay well but will also entail a great deal of work and stress. These things will always be part of the job. Yet with this job, I can still choose the adverbs I live by. I can live kindly and honorably in being a steward with the money and platform this job gives me. Or I can live cynically claiming I deserve more than my current lot and portion for all the crap I put up with. To take it a step further, even my Ўcharitable actionsЎ could be caked in a mud of selfish motivation. Do I give graciously to serve others who are not as blessed as me? Or do I give begrudgingly only when prompted by others or merely a sense of guilt? It isnЎt so much the work itself but the outlook and heart behind them that was most important.
Perhaps the most important adverb I need to remember is the word ЎhumblyЎ. I wonder in the same way Paul writes to the Corinthians, ЎWhat makes me different from anyone else? What do I have that I did not receive? And if I did receive it, why do I boast as though I did not?Ў I got into law school because of my ability to do fairly well on standardized tests. I could pretend that this was my own doing, but realistically this is nothing I should be too proud of. Moreover, if the competitiveness of school was this difficult, I question then what is it going to be like in the Big City? Sometimes I feel even with my best successes I feel there are many more around me who have accomplished so much more. I cannot continue to solely define myself this way.
Looking back at my past, I realize this applies in both my best and worst moments. It was before law school where I remember questioning myself a lot. I was laid off from my job, interviews were scarce and I was receiving no job offers. Was my self-worth or intellect any less just because I didnЎt have a corresponding job title to prove it? Likewise, what about when I got a job after interviews and was ecstatic that somebody believed in me? Was I suddenly more worthwhile or any more loved because this future job will allow me to carry its name on my business card? What happens if I get laid off from this one, will this make me any less of person? This desire to define myself by what I do paints an incomplete picture of who I am.
My first year in law school, my grades accurately described me as a law student at the bottom of his class. I am not sure what my new descriptor will be in the future. Yet, I know what IЎve always been: An insecure child struggling to find a place in this world. I always thought the biggest problems of the world were the ones all around me and were the ones I needed to solve. I realize I've been forgetting to look at my own heart. God has been teaching me these past three years so much more about myself and my own weakness.
Many of us are concerned about the big life choices we make, instead of what we do with them. My vision as a lawyer is probably not going to be as dramatic as my friends who are doctors, missionaries or ministers. But I am certain that God is calling me all the same; to live and serve faithfully in all that he has given me.
For most of my life I have lived trying to check off the next box that assures others my weaknesses are none. But, I now acknowledge my struggles knowing the way I live my life is more important. ItЎd be great if I could be rich or famous or continue to be strikingly beautiful and charming as I am now. I really, really hope I can be all these things, but I know these words reflect my mind and body, things that have been given to me and things that will fade away. In one sense, itЎs easy to dwell on those things. The harder part will focusing on the adverbs, these words that are more significant and lasting, these words that do a better job of reflecting my heart. In this life, whether I become a lawyer or unemployed, whether I make a lot of money or serve pro bono, whether I have an exciting life or one that is dull, I need to remember to thank God for the all the good nouns and adjectives in my life. But I also ask God to help me to remember and live the right adverbs.