God's Relentless Pursuit of Me
07/29/14 
Susan Bai
Prominent Properties SothebyЎs International Realty,
Ridgewood, NJ (No 1 Sales Associate in the Office for the past 5 years)
Alliance Theological Seminary, Nyack (M.Div.)
Alliance Graduate School of Counseling, Nyack (M.A.)
Fordham School of Law (J.D.)
Smith College (B.A.)
Sitting in a posh midtown high rise office as a corporate attorney, I thought I finally made it. By the time I graduated college, I had moved with my family 12 times and had gone to 10 different schools between Korea and the States. Even though I was billing 65 hours a week while working close to 80 hours, and was coming out of a divorce, I thought I had made something of myself from such an unstable life. Being a female lawyer in New York City was still somewhat of a novelty in the 80s, especially for a Korean.
Since I struggled with the English language after having lived in Korea between 1968 and 1975, becoming a lawyer was a decent accomplishment. The only problem was that I wanted to become a lawyer to go into politics. Having grown up in the States, I then moved to Korea when I was 9yrs old. My impressions of Korea at the time were not great. The country was not only poor but it was corrupt. My teachers were always looking for a bribe from me or my parents. Boys were spoiled with freedom and attention while girls had to generally be quiet and stay at home. My discontent with the culture of Korea caused me to consider the laws in America superior to those of Korea. I wanted to become a politician to improve Korea's laws. Becoming a lawyer was the way. I didn't know I was living through culture shock.
When we moved back to the States in 1975, I entered 11th grade. High school in America was another culture shock for me. I just came from Korea where some of my older college friends were majoring in computer science but never saw a computer. Yet at this high school, there was a whole room of computers that no one was using. Back in Korea, girls all wore the same uniform and hairstyle as high school students and went to an all girl school. Here, when I went shopping for clothes at the mall, I didn't have a clue as to how to dress myself. In the hallways of the school, boys and girls were kissing unabashedly. I was the only one so embarrassed by them. As planned, I studied government in college and then went to law school. In between, I got married to my high school sweetheart. I wanted to become a prosecutor because that was the only way I knew to becoming a politician. But Elizabeth Holtzman, the Brooklyn District Attorney at the time, considered me a softy at the final interview. She told me I should have been a social worker instead. Bottom line, I didn't have the ability to apply the letter of the law to the test scenario presented. Instead, I gave the perpetrator the benefit of the doubt. In Christian language, I was prone to grace and mercy. This was not a good qualification for a prosecutor.
With that one rejection, my lifetime aspiration crumbled. I didn't know where to turn or from whom I could seek advise. So I opted to make money instead as a corporate attorney. After the first couple of years, the novelty of it wore off. All I was doing was drafting agreements for the sale of various components of a company providing protections and limiting liabilities in case something went wrong. There was nothing in the process that was particularly interesting or valuable to me. I was just providing a service for clients for whom I had little respect. I lost my passion. The enormous amount of energy in me was now driven instead to prove the worthiness of my existence'worthy enough for someone to notice or to compensate. And at the age of 30 in 1989, with a six-figure salary and an apartment in NYC, that was significance enough for me'at least for the moment.
But when my dearest grandmother died the following year, I encountered something I never thought possible. She was the first person who I felt unconditionally loved me. I met her in Korea. She just was happy when I was around no matter how I behaved or how badly I pronounced Korean. She taught me the Korean language by singing hymns with me. She was certain of God's love and plans for me. I loved her dearly but wasn't too sure about her God, until I saw the evidence of her God. This is the God she prayed and cried to in a strangelanguage and worshipped at 3 in the morning every morning for more than 2 hours, the God she loved so much that she memorized chapters of the Bible including the entire book of Romans and sought anybody to share His love with and gave all of her possessions away until her 4 sons pleaded with her to keep some for herself. I witnessed the evidence ofGod on her face when her frozen body was pulled out of the wall refrigerator at the hospital where she died.
I saw the jarring juxtaposition of death? her cold, stiff body--- and the imprint of eternal life and bliss on her countenance. Her face radiated. In between my sobbing, I caught glimpses of her face that shined so brightly. Through my tears, I finally told my aunt that she looked like a happy expectant bride ready to go meet her groom. She sadly yet knowingly agreed. I thought that was odd.
A couple of days later, my grandmother appeared in my dream. She was wearing a white hanbok. She looked young. She sat in the middle of a great expanse of bright colored tulips that reached the horizon. She waved at me, the way Miss America would wave with her hand, and said, ' It is beautiful here beyond my imagination. Don't be sad. I am full of joy and you will be with me someday.' The dream was so real; I woke up and looked around. Then realizing it was a dream, I quickly closed my eyes hoping to see her again. Sure enough, she was still sitting there, smiling and waving to me and then she looked around and began singing, a tune I was not familiar with. My grief for her disappeared with that dream.
The burial site was outside of Seoul, close to the border of North Korea. Her church owned the mountain and she picked this particular site because we could see both North and South Korea. She wanted us to pray for both countries whenever we visited the grave. When the procession of family members began climbing up the mountain, big fluffy snowflakes began to fall. It was mid March so there was nothing unusual about the snow. But as we continued the climb the snow changed to rain, soft rain, the kind that smells of spring. Then the sun came out and the rain dried up. By the time we are at the location of the burial ground, the sunrays had warmed the air and the skies were clear blue. I felt that the Heavens were welcoming her home.
On the way back to the States, I vowed to search for my grandmother's God. You see, I had been to many different churches?Presbyterian, Methodist, Full Gospel, Assemblies of God but all I could do was be critical not just of their hypocrisy but also of mine. I went to a middle school in Korea established by missionaries that was on the verge of bankruptcy due to financial mishandlings. I married a well-known reverend's son who accepted me for who I was but did not know that love was action. We both taught Bible at Sunday school. He taught it as literature. I was teaching the parables as though they were Aesop's Tales. I attended revivals and walked up to altar calls and repented of my sins over and over again. I would have two weeks, maybe two months of elation and joy of salvation that waned like a used balloon. Was I Christian? I thought so. Did I love Jesus? Hardly. Probably despise might have been more accurate after such disappointing and guilt ridden experiences. At the end of the day, Jesus to me seemed like a crutch for the failures of society at best, or a lucky charm for the successful at worst.
But I really did want to find unconditional love and genuine Truth about me that was fully transparent and integrated. They seemed so mutually exclusive. Anyone who knew me to the core would not be able to love me unconditionally and anyone who could love me unconditionally really didn't know the depths of me. I felt stuck and lonely.
On top of that, I feared that my life would not mean anything. If I lived as old as my grandmother and didn't have anything to account for, I would die a miserable, crotchety, resentful person. If I wasn't unconditionally lovable and didn't know how to love unconditionally myself what was the point of living? The prospect of loneliness coupled with insignificance scared me more than going to hell. Suddenly, my job, my office and my salary could not fulfill the emptiness that was facing me. And so, I quit my job, packed up my bags and went on a search for my grandmother's God. At the suggestion of my aunt, I attended a revival that was 3 nights and 4 days. She assured me that it would be different from other revivals because it would beaBible intensive, Holy Spirit driven conference. There I met Jesus in body, soul and spirit.That love is from God and everyone who loves is born of God and knows God'was so new an idea but a truth so familiar because that is what I receivedfrom grandma. She was born of God, knew God and so was able to love me the way God loved her. When I heard 1 John 4:10 ' not that we loved God but that He Loved us .' and Eph 1:4 'For he chose us in him before the creation of the world'' I broke down in awe that his love was so unconditional, so vast, so eternal, so unwavering despite all knowing of who and what I was?a hypocritical sinner. This revelation was not only spiritually freeing and filling at the same time but I actually physically felt free of burdened guilt due to not living up to something or someone, and felt full of significance because the creator of the universe said He loves me and died on the cross to prove it. No wonder my grandmother looked like a bride. It wasn't until later that I realized that we as followers of Jesus are referred to as the bride of Christ.
That was September of 1990, 6 months after my grandmother's death. But it wasn't until 10 year later,that I completely dedicated my life as a living sacrifice to God. (Romans 12:2) The 90s was my desert years of dealing with the consequences of my sinfulness- neediness for a husband for all the wrong reasons, the death of my son due to Sudden Infant Death Syndrome and a second divorce. It was the decade of suffering that not only refined my faith but also brought me down off any high horses that I might have still been riding?whether it was my intellect, sense of justice or compassion, even the ability to love------He showed me that even my good characteristics were just filthy rags before Him (Isaiah 64:6) unless they were washed by the blood of Christ and incarnated into Him.
January of 2000 when I turned 41, I said to God, 'Just like Moses, I had the best of everything and was self-righteous. I thought I was living the best way I know how but I have nothing to show for it. If you give me another healthy 40 years, I will surrender all to you as a living sacrifice.' Abiding in Christ was my new life's motto.
Then in 2004, mypastor invited me to a mission trip to the Philippines. When we landed in Manila, I fell to my knees right there in the airport. The smell, humidity, noise, and people reminded me so much of Seoul, Korea of 1968 when I was 9 yrs. old. God was telling me, that all those years of moving, adjusting, and departing and all those years of failures and sufferings were to prepare me for this, to give my life to His work of loving people, spreading the gospel and making disciples wherever and to whomever He would send me. It was in the Philippines that I first preached the gospel to the blind and to prison inmates. I felt the presence of God with me.
Since then, He has taken me to 8 countries and put me on a platform to preach to pastors, encourage the young adults, empower the blind, and bring hope to the incarcerated. He healed me of all of my wounds from the past through my studies in Christian counseling while further teaching me how to be a compassionate listener. He showed me the benefits and harms of a seminary education while He confirmed my calling into evangelism, discipleship and missions. Most importantly and far from perfect, He taught me how to love.
Yes my life purpose is abiding in Christ for this provides me with true integration of grace and truth and true intimacy between God and me and with one another. I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ?the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith.(Phil 3:8-9) For I want to be rooted and established in love and have the power together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep the love of Christ is and to know this love that surpasses knowledge so that I may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God,(Eph 3:17-19) the God that is Love ( 1 John 4:8). I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. (Phil 3:10). Abiding in Christ and living out His Truth, absorbing the sufferings of loved ones and the spiritual things of Christ all the way to my grave, that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead. This is all as a result of His pursuit of me.