My Road to Chaplaincy: CPE, Ordination, and Ministry
01/19/15 
Eun Joo Kim
Sometimes, God takes you on a path and journey you had never expected nor planned. CPE, Clinical Pastoral Education(training to be a chaplain), was not something I was interested in nor cared about while I was in seminary. I vaguely recall that a few of my classmates took a summer unit of CPE during our three years of study, but it was not until almost a decade after I graduated with my Master of Divinity that I was confronted with the prospect of having to take CPE.
When I entered Princeton Theological Seminary in 1990, I was not even remotely thinking about getting ordained. Back then, I hardly ever saw a woman pastor, so there were no role models for me, and besides, my denomination at that time, KPCA-Korean Presbyterian Church in America, did not ordain women. And since I was doing youth ministry-preaching each Sunday, leading Bible Study, training teachers, and making visitations-I did not feel the need to get ordained; I was doing everything an ordained person was doing with the exception of baptism and the Lord's Supper. But the longer I stayed in ministry, and especially when I started doing English Ministry (EM), I began to realize that I needed to get ordained.
I was no longer doing ministry with youth and students. My congregation members were full-fledged adults with careers, spouses, and children of their own. They needed an ordained pastor to officiate at their weddings, baptize their babies, serve and represent them to the Korean Ministry (KM), and to preside over Holy Communion. It was over the issue of serving communion that I finally resolved to start the ordination process.
For too long, 1.5 and 2nd generation EM members of the Korean American Church were being treated as children, no matter what their ages were. If there was a man who was 27 years old who had just come from Korea a month ago, he was treated as an adult with the proper formality, 'jipsanim, ahnyounghasehyo,' just because he spoke Korean and whether he was really a deacon or not. But when a 37-year-old member of my EM was seen in the hallway and who was actually a deacon, the elders would address him in the informal manner, 'yah, jahleetssuhsuh?' because he spoke English and they felt that he did not know any better.
This kind of infantilizing at a group level was most stark when it came to Communion Sundays. During those days, we had to time and then halt our services, no matter at what section of worship we were in, and head over to the KM sanctuary so that we would be able to receive communion at the back of the room. It really felt like being at the 'kid's table' at a banquet, being relegated to the back and not being able to receive the Lord's body and blood on our own. So it would not be far from the truth to say that the reason I wanted to get ordained was for the practical reason of wanting to serve communion to my EM congregation members, and to rightly treat them as the adults they were.
For various reasons and circumstances, I decided to start the ordination process in the Presbyterian Church U.S.A. (PCUSA). The presbytery that I was affiliated with at the time, Long Island Presbytery, had the usual requirements of the ordination exams, two years as a candidate, preaching before the committee, etc. But this presbyteryalso had the requirement of taking one unit of CPE. Now writing papers, taking exams, attending meetings, and preaching were things that I had always done in school and as a pastor. But this thing called CPE was another animal all together.
I had heard many stories from folks who had taken CPE before, about how hard it was and how you had to spend time talking about yourself with the supervisor on a regular basis'not something I was looking forward to nor did I see the need for it in my ministry. They all said that it was really difficult work. But despite all their testimonies, whether they were ecstatic or exhausted from their training, without fail, everyone that I had talked to all agreed that it was meaningful and worthwhile to take CPE.
So it was with much trepidation and some anticipation that I entered my first day of CPE at the North Shore University Hospital in the fall of 2004 under the auspices of the HealthCare Chaplaincy . I really did not know what to expect, except that it would be a lot of work and I was training to be a chaplain. It was all that, and MUCH more!
Clinical Pastoral Education is not about getting a 'script' to memorize so that you can repeat it at the bedside of the patient. It is not about learning a certain standard method or mannerism to mimic in our interactions with others. It is not about knowing the right answers to the questions and struggles that the patients might have. At the heart of CPE training is developing self-awareness and self-reflection. It is learning more about oneself. For only when one is truly aware about oneself that she can be fully present to the other.
For instance, if a patient reminds you of your brother, then all the feelings or animosity that you might have about your brother can surface as you interact with the patient. If you are not aware about how you feel about your brother and that this is happening, instead of listening to what the patient has to say, you will be preoccupied with this unknown and unnamed sense of unease. But if you are aware about you, your brother, and your relationship with him, then you can realize that this person reminds you of him and put that to the side, so that you can really listen to what the patient has to say.
CPE is learning about your strengths and weaknesses, or 'growing edges,' and working on strengthening your weaknesses and nourishing your strengths. And each person has his or her own unique strengths as well as weaknesses. What might be a strength for some might be a weakness for others and vice versa. It is not about staying in the comfort zone, but about putting yourself in uncomfortable places so that you can learn and grow.
One of my strengths I thought, but it was also turned out to be a growing edge, was that I felt very comfortable praying for the patient. Growing up in the church and having been a pastor for a while, praying for somebody became second nature to me. But I was using this as a 'crutch' in my visits with the patients. When I felt uncomfortable or wanted to end the visit, I would offer to pray for the patient, thus giving me an excuse to end and a means of exit for the meeting. I was using it as a way to keep from silence and from waiting and listening to what the patient had to say. So I had to work on not too freely, quickly, and frequently offering prayers during my visits.
My own simplest definition of what CPE is: CPE is training to learn what makes you tick and what makes you 'ticked off.' It is about being aware of yourself, how you feel, why you feel like that, and working on yourself so that when you are in the presence of others, you can be fully present to hear what they have to say, because you have already worked on your own issues.
The method or theory by which we are trained unto self-awareness in CPE is: action-reflection-action; learning by doing. Each unit of CPE consists of 400 hours; 300 hours of clinical time with patient visitations and working with staff, and 100 hours of instruction and supervision with classmates and supervisor. Upon making our rounds with the patients, we are given assignments to write down portions of our visits in verbatim form. We take a snippet of our dialogue and write it word for word. We reflect upon our words and actions and analyze our visits and write them in our verbatims. Then we share our verbatims with our classmates to get their input and questions on why we said what we said and why we acted as we acted. We 'act' during our visits, we 'reflect' in our verbatims and class times, and upon reflection, we then go out to 'act' again with more awareness and growth. That time in reflection makes all the difference in the world for more thought-out, meaningful actions to follow.
CPE also requires us to meet with our supervisor on a regular basis for up to an hour at a time. This was one of the scariest aspects of CPE for me: to talk about myself for an extended period of time. However, I was blessed to have a wonderful, seasoned supervisor, a Catholic Sister who was in the order of Sisters of Mercy. She was a gifted supervisor who listened well and asked the right questions to get me talking and reflecting on my visits, my relationships, and my ministry. What I thought would be hours and meetings filled with awkward silence and strained sharing went by pretty quickly as various issues, questions, and situations rose to my mind for presentation, discussion, and reflection. These sessions made me more aware of my ministry style, leadership capabilities, and relational preferences.
After most group sessions of CPE, there usually is a time called IPR, Inter-Personal Relations, where there is no real set agenda. It is a time of honest discussion with your classmates where you, your classmates, and our feelings are the topic of discussion. One is free to talk or not talk, one can question and challenge about what was discussed previously or felt immediately. The only requirement is to actively listen and be truthful and trustful in opening yourself up to others in a committed, confidential space. One's growth is stretched when one makes oneself vulnerable before others.
After being unsure about CPE and feeling 'forced' into taking it as part of the ordination process, I was surprised at how much I really enjoyed taking the first unit of CPE. Because I realized how greatly I had grown as a person and a pastor from CPE, I ended up taking another unit. After the second unit, my supervisor informed me that I was half way there to getting certified as a chaplain. Since I was at the midpoint, I decided to complete the second half on my way to certification.
To be a board certified chaplain, you need to take at least four units of CPE (1600 hours), write papers on your theology, biography, verbatims, as well as show competency in the areas of common standards for professional chaplains. Once all your papers and documents are submitted, you will be scheduled to meet with a committee for interview and review of the work you have presented. If you pass through the committee interview and all your paperwork is done, you will then be provisionally certified to be a chaplain. Upon completing 2,000 hours of work as a provisional chaplain, you can finally be board certified as a chaplain. But that does not stop there, each board certified chaplain has to get a peer review done every five years in order to maintain active status with the Association of Professional Chaplains .
I was blessed to receive a job offer at New York Hospital Queens in September of 2005 and have been working there since then. It is exciting to work at a hospital that reflects the diversity of Queens as well as represents the growing Asian and Korean populations. All along in my ministry, I had only served in Korean American churches, mostly with 1.5 and 2nd generation Korean Americans. But working as a chaplain at a hospital, especially in Flushing, affords me the opportunity to minister to different types of people from all races, ethnicities, religions, and generations.
When people ask me what my job is like, I tell them that I visit patients and their family members to listen to what they have to say. I am there to accompany them on their journey through all their feelings, good as well as bad, for as long as they allow me. I am not there with an agenda nor am I there to give advice, but I am there to be fully present, to be a representation of God's comforting, non-anxious presence. My job is not to make my patients feel better, though that ends up happening when they see that somebody is truly listening and understanding what they are going through and feeling. It is amazing how much better one feels after sharing and seeing that one has been genuinely heard.
For some patients, meeting a chaplain that they do not know gives them a certain sense of freedom to talk about things, doubts, and concerns, that they would not feel comfortable talking about with their own minister or clergyperson. Other patients express anger against and frustrations about God. In my earlier days as a chaplain, I would be quick to 'defend God' and try to persuade them that God is not like that and that is not the way they should feel about God. But then I realized that God does not need to be defended, for God is way bigger than any words or views of disappointment and dissatisfaction one might express. And it is because they believe in God that they can express such discontent. And there were probably many people telling them to stop feeling that way. My work with them is to affirm their feelings, the positive ones as well as the negative ones, and to let them know that they are not alone; that I hear them and support them wherever they are at.
We are not allowed to evangelize or convert people in the hospital as professional chaplains. If they ask about my own personal faith, I can share with them. Or if I know that we share the same faith, I can speak of our shared faith with them. But I am not there to alter their religion from one affiliation to another. That would be considered spiritual abuse. People often ask me why I do not evangelize the patients, especially in their time of need. I then ask them how they would feel if they were patients in a hospital, sick and weak, unable to speak because of intubation, and someone from another religion was there to force their faith upon them. If they performed their religious rituals without your consent. most of them would answer that they would not feel good about that at all. This holds true for those non-Christian patients when Christians come on too strong in the hospital. There is a certain power dynamics that one needs to be aware of, especially as a chaplain, person of authority, and employee of the hospital.
But I do feel that I am truly witnessing the love and grace of Christ to my patients, when I offer my full and open presence. I share God's love when I can be with them in their pain and anxiety, their struggles and questioning. I hope to emulate our Immanuel Jesus who promised to be with us no matter what and no matter where, as I am with my patients. I hope to share the gospel with my presence and actions. St. Francis of Assisi once said: 'Preach the gospel, if necessary, use words.'
CPE and chaplaincy work are about hands-on ministry. It is where the theological rubber meets the rattled road of reality. Hence, I believe that CPE should be a requirement for all seminarians to take in order to graduate, whether they plan to go into ministry or scholarship. It should be a must for all the pastors who are currently doing ministry if they have not taken it. It will deeply enhance not only their ministry, but their understanding of themselves. And was it not Calvin who wrote in his Institutes that the knowledge of God begins with the knowledge of self? And what better way to know and learn about yourself than through the reflective work of CPE?
As I am about to enter my tenth year at the hospital, I am grateful and amazed at God's grace in my life. I never thought that I would be doing what I am now for this long. I do not know where I will be ten years from now, maybe back at church doing EM, KM, or multicultural ministry? Maybe continue as a chaplain? Maybe both? Maybe neither? But I do know that the tools, skills, and realizations that I have gained through my CPE experience and work as a chaplain will continue to undergird my life and ministry, no matter where God leads.